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I am elsewhere.
wearing your best smile
like a halo around my hips.
slipping up and
slipping into you.
wrap your tongue around
my threadbare soul.
call god almighty
to my grieving.

I am elsewhere.
ear against your heart
aching like an oak guitar.
full to the brim
with gold dust and
bad handwriting.
write on your palm
“holy you,” but you
don’t see.
knees in the air,
back bent.
they call it a lap
because my chest fills with
undulations of water
when I’m there
and I want you to
unfill me.

drained because fuck
everything.
everything
because nothing
has already been
taken.
taken
because left behind was us
yesterday.

elsewhere.
our today
slipping away.
opened womb like a
scream, and i’m sorry, and i’m
not sorry, and he—
I don't want to be so afraid of human contact, but that's how I am right now.
I'm so anxious that I had to lie on my roommate's bed and cover my face with a heavy blanket. Everything's gonna be fine.
I'm just in that weird place where I want, but I don't want. I can't. 

Sorry for rambling about this, I just need to let it out. 


Edit:

Sunday I had interactions with someone, nothing major, but enough.

All day yesterday I was a complete wreck. Panic attack at work, couldn't talk to anybody, I wanted to self-harm so badly. My colleagues, most of them kind middle-aged men, were so worried about me, but I couldn't and still can't put into words how I felt. My mind is still very foggy and my hands keep shaking. 

I don't know if the two are related, but I'm starting to think there's something underlying wrong with me. 
  • Mood: Panic
  • Reading: Middlemarch
  • Watching: M*A*S*H*
i am ugly. so. my mother kisses me goodbye every august. i carry her love inside me like a heavy suitcase. some days. yes. i have to heave my troubles behind me, they are so heavy. heaviness means nothing to me. if self-love were a 150 pound sort of love, i would carry it with me forever now. so. my words are fat from being inside of me so long. they are not modest about their bodies.

i no longer care for the world’s feelings of anger. they say it’s possible now. recover. now. like flipping your pillow. you can do it now. so. i argue that it’s always been possible. i have never encountered a word in my entire life that i couldn’t sound out.

i say my own name during sleep now. my deep-belly name. its consonants have hardened over and the z has accumulated moss. like a gravestone. i say it anyway. now. it’s like pressing against scar tissue.

i believe in the power of belief. not in a GOD way.  not in a “you are a GOD” sort of way either. but in a “you are a fragment of health” sort of way. in a “you could be a prophet” sort of way. some day.

my lungs fold up like manuscripts when they sleep. it’s my way. i burn myself down on thursdays. so. my hands are starving for a fresh wick. i am ugly. so.

the word “being” is ugly. it implies the absence of time. to exist within time is ugly. 2015. here i am. ugly.
how to swallow fat hands
2/5/15

thoughts on the title?
thoughts on anything, in general?

[i've been rhyming so much recently, and 
it's all accidental.]
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(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
filling my prayer closet with sand.

emptying myself of thieves like mount st helen's

popped her casket.

exploding trees like church beams.

sighing because sorrow is the blue jay

picking corn chips off the pavement.

sighing because anguish is written

on my sheets in lost ballpoint pen.

sighing because happiness wrinkled

my father's cheeks until his jawbones collapsed.

sighing because we're all sutured by wires

to help us stand tall.

.

gravity wants us to beg,

and by gravity

i mean god.

this endless toil is ten thousand leagues long,

not deep.

i cannot see the bottom.

.

collapsing under a pile of waste.

i have no sexuality.

fiction novels and grocery receipts

and bubblegum wrappers with zebra tattoos.

throwing my love in the trash where it belongs.

no lover is ever going to seek my blood

the way i used to.

.

drawing closer to the end,

talking morbidly in sleep,

whispering anecdotes like

antidotes to yellow fever.

yellow is that anxious color.

it bites its nails until it reaches finger.

.

i have two unsafe hands and

a lover like a cartridge clicking over

to that last bullet.

we attack each other like black birds

over lake oswego.

my heart is a pearl from

filling myself with sand

and burying this body alive.

swaddling myself like a thief in the night,

stealing momentary burns,

shaving mistakes,

picked fingers.

.

i wrap my arms around you

whatever this life is

that i lead.

you are slender at the neck

like you've already been strangled.

black and blue from

lips' thieving.

sighing because i fear

nothing will ever be as sweet

as the night i laid on the bathroom

floor.

my body like a jackhammer.

my pulse like an inside-out

ear-drum.

splitting my arms apart

in the name of

need.

.

fearing that

there is enough blood

left in my body

for a lifetime of sorrow.
I don't want to be so afraid of human contact, but that's how I am right now.
I'm so anxious that I had to lie on my roommate's bed and cover my face with a heavy blanket. Everything's gonna be fine.
I'm just in that weird place where I want, but I don't want. I can't. 

Sorry for rambling about this, I just need to let it out. 


Edit:

Sunday I had interactions with someone, nothing major, but enough.

All day yesterday I was a complete wreck. Panic attack at work, couldn't talk to anybody, I wanted to self-harm so badly. My colleagues, most of them kind middle-aged men, were so worried about me, but I couldn't and still can't put into words how I felt. My mind is still very foggy and my hands keep shaking. 

I don't know if the two are related, but I'm starting to think there's something underlying wrong with me. 
  • Mood: Panic
  • Reading: Middlemarch
  • Watching: M*A*S*H*

deviantID

sense-and-stupidity

Artist | Student | Literature
United States
My book: www.barnesandnoble.com/w/symbo…

"I want the count down inside of me to stop being so precise; I want to jump to zero and back to infinity. I believe in infinity. It's my fatal flaw."
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:iconpanosozi:
panosozi Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
thanks a lot for the fav on my photo.
wish u the best.
if you have time take a look at my rest gallery 
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Edited Jan 9, 2015   General Artist
hello there, lovely person! :huggle:
this is to inform you that i have made use of one of the titles in your poetry in my title poem over here: fav.me/d8d65gn :love:
i hope that this is alright with you, pray that you enjiy the read, and thank you for your inspirational artistry! :eager: <3
Reply
:iconfadedworlds:
fadedworlds Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you for the fav!  
Reply
:iconpsychobeast:
PsychoBeast Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2014
You inspire me so much, your works make me write, write write. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can always msg me. (even though you dont know me :P)
Reply
:iconsense-and-stupidity:
sense-and-stupidity Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2014  Student Writer
Thank you so much for this. I've kept from replying just so I can keep it in my inbox and look at it when I log on. One of my greatest wishes in life is to inspire other people, in whatever way. :) I'm glad you are writing and writing and writing; it's the only way to live, in my opinion. Have a splendid day, friend.
Reply
:iconchoque-plumbeo:
Choque-Plumbeo Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
hey wanna read a play with me?
Reply
:iconsense-and-stupidity:
sense-and-stupidity Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2014  Student Writer
Yes. Which and how and when?
Reply
:iconchoque-plumbeo:
Choque-Plumbeo Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Its the King in yellow, part of it which i wrote, read it it's in my page, if you like it we'll talk about how. I'd like to record the voices to put the play together and i heard your voice and i really liked it, also i need a Cassilda and i hope you'll like it. As to when, im moving, so i can not until sunday.
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the fave! :tighthug:
Reply
:iconjimfleming:
jimfleming Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014
Thank you :)
Reply
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